This week's columnist: Holden Caulfield
Dear Holden,
I'm a college student. I'm really into this girl but she's a senior and I'm only a freshman. I don't want her to think I'm a dork. What should I do?
The Frosh Prince, New York, NY
Listen Buddy,
I guess I'll tell you what my opinion is, if you really wanna hear it. You probably really don't though. I know I hate people who are always giving their opinions about everything, as if everybody and their mother were really interested in hearing it. Yeah right.
Why are you even asking a guy like me about your love life for Chrissake? Did you read the book? I never get any goddamn tail. I just walk around and rent hotel rooms I don't need. But I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life, so maybe I do get a lot of tail and I'm just keeping it a secret. I guess I do know a whole lot about picking up older women though. The good-looking ones anyway. It helps that I have quite a few grey hairs. Hookers are good too, if you just want somebody to talk to.
I remember one time I was sitting on a park bench with old Sally Hayes, just shootin' the breeze when all of a sudden I just felt like I wanted to cry because it reminded me of when I was a little kid and how I used to sit on park benches all the time. You know what I mean? Listen, if you really want my advice, ask her if she keeps all her kings in the back row. It's probably lousy advice though. Or you could hang around outside the gymnasium with a pair of tubesocks stuffed down your shorts like all the other phonies and whistle at the girl when she goes by. That might work.
The truth is, I feel sorry as hell for you right now.
Yours,
Holden
p.s. It was really lousy of you to write me an email. What happened to writing a goddamn letter for crying out loud? You're a real prince.
